4 min read

Predicting my sex future

This was originally published on December 27, 2022 back when this newsletter was on Tinyletter. It's quick, rough, and perhaps in need of an edit. I hope you enjoy it in its full, messy glory.

I’ve been writing a lot this year and I’m proud of that. Still, I find myself feeling disappointment for not being obsessive about it. I want to be a devout writer, I want to be religiously dedicated to the craft. I think there’s something beautiful and admirable about that kind of commitment. Over the last month, though, I’ve been working so much on non-writing jobs and also chilling extremely hard. It’s December and it’s my first real winter. A winter with snow and temperatures below 50 degrees Fahrenheit.

The winter in Vegas is not so much cold as it is dark and long. It’s like time goes away – if time even exists at all in that city. Las Vegans mess and play around with time so much it feels like we fucked it up forever. But not here. Time is too powerful. The seasons change and force you to submit to their whims. Winter seems to seep into you, digs into your core so your bones are cold, cold, cold for days. I’ve never craved a searing hot dip into a jacuzzi more in my life. The midwest is totally a secret domme.

I don’t even want to get up some days but I have to keep going – work calls. Life calls. I've slept away so many years already. I've given into the dark tide of depression and I don’t want to go back under. But it’s strange to be cold, for once. It’s strange to feel something. It’s strange to find the will to keep going, for once. Before, I think I was surviving, withstanding, holding steady. I think, now, maybe I’m persevering. Chugging. Leaning forward into the tilt of wind and snow. I think I have some momentum. I feel good.

Anyway, not to subscribe to white supremacist ideals such as the Gregorian calendar, but it is kind of the perfect time of year to reflect on the past while simultaneously trying to predict and manipulate the future, is it not? So, I asked the tarot about sex and romance and fucking and beauty and about this very newsletter.

Q: What can I do to have better sex next year?
A: Four of Pentacles.
The stingy card. I think the tarot wants me to see my time and my sex as a resource that I have to dole out rather than this infinite thing I have. Less magical thinking, more practical thinking (good advice for me in general, honestly). I once read that Virgos reach the true power when they realize their ability to say, “No.” We are the Hermit card, the nuns in a cloister. Maybe I should be a little more stringent in my sluttery and stop letting randoms hit it. I guess you gotta earn this pussy in 2023.

Q: Should I get off the dating and cruising apps to try and meet people real life?
A: Two of Cups.
This is my favorite question to ask the tarot, mostly because I want it to say “yes, get off the apps.” Two of Cups, to me, is the card of unity, balance, and respect. Two people, in real life, talking and spilling their cups together. I think I’m finally free?  The tarot is saying “alright already get off the damn apps.” I’m deleting Feeld and Grindr as WE SPEAK! This will prevent me from slutting out for randos and getting hooked on texters who will ultimately ghost me. I still want to be a slut though, so I guess I have to start talking to strangers. Or at the very least, start going to cruising spots and get a feel for chemistry before I agree to a blowjob.

Q: Should I go on a laser hair removal journey for my body hair in 2023?
A: Knight of Pentacles
All the knights are about action, but the Knight of Pentacles prefers to stay inside the walls of his kingdom and help the people – he likes hard work. He sows the seeds and tills the fields. Listen, it may be boring to be a hairless Barbie doll and not even be on Grindr to show it off, but maybe it’s what needs to be done. It’s time for me to participate in the grand tradition of women who aim dangerous tools at their own body in the name of beauty.

Q: How will I mine content for my sex diary if I’m not on the apps and I’m being all “Four of Pentacles” about my genitals?
A: Queen of Cups
She is a potential mother…. Okay, so I’m getting the vibe that I won’t need to worry about this. There’s plenty of stories I haven’t told yet, and maybe in closing myself off to insensitive DL hookups and nonbinary ghosters, I’ll open myself up to caring and compassionate relationships. And good sex. I’m also wondering if I should start taking questions / stories from my friends and readers. I mean, who doesn’t love an advice column?

Q: What’s the vibe for HTFLAG next year?
A: The Chariot.
I was hoping for a Major Arcana! And it’s the success, victory, and self-discipline card. The Cancer card – using your emotions as a power but also, shoving down your precious, vunerable little crab meat into a suit of armor so you can prevail. As long as I stay the course and swallow my lethargy, then good things are coming for this newsletter. I think you can expect to have a laugh, get a little horny, and feel some vicarious joy for me when I hit some auspicious amount of subscribers and get a fun newsletter deal from a new tech-media start up with lots of money to spend.

Well that all seems pretty good. I hope you know how vulnerable I was in asking the tarot about this. What if it gave me horrible cards? That would have been humiliating. If you have any funny sex stories or predicaments, feel free to slide into my DMs. See you in 2023 friends, lovers, and fuckers. <3